Most of us know what it’s like to live with little shadows of doubt that perpetuate a negative internal dialogue – making us feel like we’re not good enough, or we don’t measure up, or we don’t deserve all the nice things that have come our way.
Madeleine is an artist, first and foremost. But, having been diagnosed with autism, she is also neurodivergent, which means that she sees things in a different way to the majority. She knows what it feels like to have to hide who you are to be accepted, or to have to defend or justify your talents to others. She also knows what it feels like to recognise her own worth and build herself up from that place with compassion. To find a way to express herself, make genuine connections with amazing people, and put these feelings of self-doubt to bed (if even just for the night).
We had the opportunity to sit down with her and ask her about her photography practice, how she sees the world, and how she sees herself.
When did your interest in photography start and what do you most like about it?
My interest in photography came about after a pretty bad bout of artist block. I am an oil painter, and I used to heavily rely on my title as an artist as my main identity – this got me through some bad times. A couple years ago, I lost my spark, and painting became all but impossible. After lamenting over the loss of my identity, and then struggling to cope with the lockdown, I turned to photography in an attempt to learn new ways to express myself. It was initially meant to be just a brief dalliance, but I fell in love. It is entirely different from painting, and I don’t think it will ever completely fill that void, but it has brought me immense peace and purpose. I have made amazing connections with people I would never have met otherwise, and I get to convey emotion through visual work in ways that even painting didn’t let me. As an Actually Autistic adult, I rarely see representation and this means so much to me.
When were you diagnosed with autism? Has this diagnosis changed anything about the way you see yourself?
I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult. I am 22, but I started to assume I was autistic at about 16 after it was suggested to me by multiple people. As ASD presents much differently in girls than boys, I flew under the radar for most of my childhood, and learned to “mask” my symptoms to try and appear normal. Being diagnosed let me start to break down these masking behaviors and realise that I’m not stupid or weird or broken, but that my brain is wired completely differently, and that it isn’t my fault or something to be ashamed of. For the longest time, I thought if I just tried harder, if I paid better attention, maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost all the time. I felt constantly guilty that I was not doing enough. Now that I am diagnosed, I realise that there is no “enough,” and that I shouldn’t try so hard to compensate for what I lack in areas that neurotypicals succeed in, and should just focus on what I can do. I am now living an authentic life, and being diagnosed almost gave me permission to have some compassion for myself, which I had never had before. It changed my life.
How does your gift of autism help you see the world differently? And how does it help your photography practice?
I think that being autistic has made me see everything in a more black and white way. I don’t lie, I am direct, and I don’t waste time engaging in things I don’t care about. I think that I have an immensely strong sense of right and wrong, and I base the way I act on the amount of human suffering I have the potential to cause. I try to live a fairly simple life, and to minimize the amount of harm I do to anything. I don’t care for material things much, I don’t keep things I don’t need, and I take immense comfort in being alone. This has greatly aided my photography in that I don’t feel competitive with others, and I focus more on the work I am making than how I compare to the work other photographers produce. I shoot a lot of film on my little 1950s Soviet rangefinder, and I don’t want to upgrade or change. I like the personal aspects of photography, like hand-developing film and having a finicky camera. I don’t like instant gratification, and sometimes I’ll sit on shoots for weeks before editing or looking at them, so I can have fresh eyes to view my work (only with my personal projects of course, with clients this is different). I don’t need the fanciest cameras, I don’t need perfect models or prime settings, I want people who trust that I can capture what they feel, and I want authenticity. I do it because I have an unyielding need to create, because art is my driving force, and because I don’t fit into the majority of places, but with my camera I can be anywhere.
What are some ways that people who book you can help improve your time together?
I try to have a game plan before shooting as I don’t work well with vague ideas. I try to very thoroughly map out ideas before I shoot. I like to know what the client will be wearing, what sort of feel they want their images to have, and what they hope to get from the shoot. I make mood boards and send pose ideas beforehand, so that there is a smaller chance of me miscommunicating. I have such vivid ideas in my head for shoots, but getting them out verbally on location is significantly more difficult, so I try to make sure that we will both be on the same page prior to shooting. I am unfortunately very aware that shooting with me may be more of a challenge than with photographers who can process/communicate perfectly verbally, but I feel that my body of work does show that I am capable of making beautiful things even if I am a bit of a mess.
You posted on the Unscripted Facebook group a while ago asking for advice. Can you tell us a bit more about that post and how you felt when you were reading the comments from the community?
I was shocked and touched at the outpouring of support on the Unscripted Facebook page. Living as a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical-centered world, I often see the worst of people. I’ve always been noticeably “off,” and I have faced much cruelty for it. Having comment after comment of kindness was something I rarely face if prefacing a post with, “I am autistic.” No one told me I was worth less, or that my work was worth less, or that I wasn’t going to make it in the photography world, and reading all these things from other photographers really made me feel welcome and worthy. Thank you.
What are some difficulties that you have faced in setting up photography as a business and what do you feel would help overcome those difficulties?
I find it very difficult to stray from my “aesthetic.” I don’t want to shoot anything that I feel is fake, or shallow. I won’t shoot smoke bombs, I won’t trespass, I won’t do anything to disrespect anyone, and I have turned away many clients due to this. I do not stray from my photography morals and I won’t compromise on that, and I think it has probably held me back quite a bit, but I’m really not willing to budge. My communication has also greatly affected my ability to secure work, as well as my lack of confidence in a setting with others. Last year was my first year doing client work, and I “masked” for a lot of it so people would believe that I was competent. This year, I have done my best to not mask, and I have implemented certain things, like mood boards and thorough planning, to compensate for the areas I struggle in. I just hope that as I progress in this path that people are kind to me and don’t treat me as less for things I can’t change.
Do you have any hopes, dreams, or goals for the rest of the year that you’d like to share with us?
I bought my dream camera this year, and I really just hope to book more clients who are interested in film. I also recently took a trip to Missouri to do an Ophelia-themed shoot that my friend and I had been planning for months, which was amazing, so those were two major dreams of mine that have happened in the last couple months! I hope to continue to develop my body of work to fully display who I am as a photographer, and I want nothing more than to make people feel beautiful, and to make beautiful work.
lead your photography
sessions with confidence.
